BDSM and Family: Should you tell your loved ones about your kinky side?

If you have been involved in kinky play, dominance, submission, or bondage you might eventually ask yourself: How can BDSM and Family work together? And is it wise to tell your loved ones or even your kids about your kinky side?

We’re here to give you the pros and cons of “coming out” as a BDSM lover and whether you should or should not do so. For those who want to open up to others, we’ll also look at sensitive ways to do it!

Let’s kink right in!

Are BDSM and Family Compatible?

BDSM and family can be compatible and in 2024, many people can tell their loved ones about their kinky side without having to fear repression. However, there is still a lot of stigma involved and you should only tell others if they want to hear about it or it is important that they know!

Coming out to others about your sexuality, gender, or “irregular” lifestyle is a complete nail-biter. Trust me, I know from first-hand experience! And while talking about BDSM is not nearly as life-changing as proclaiming a change of gender, it can still be nerve-wracking.

Good news first though: BDSM and family can be very compatible (as it was in my case) and in many cases, people will be very understanding. With 85% of all people having tried some sort of BDSM-related activity, there might even be a chance someone else in your family is kinky!

The key here is: Decide carefully who should or should not know about your kinky life.

No matter if you want to talk to your mother, grandpa, or even children (yes, this is more common than you might think), always remember:

From my experience, most other people simply do not care about your kinky side. Really, many see it as just another part of a person’s love life and let’s be honest…we usually don’t want to hear our family members tell us about theirs!

So let’s first look at good or bad reasons you might want to tell them:

When to talk to your family about BDSM

If you want to bring up BDSM with your family, consider, why you want them to know:

Somebody asks you

The “talk” becomes much easier I find, if somebody else actively asks you about BDSM. No matter if it’s a close family member or a distant relative, if they come up to you and ask, it’s almost always better to be truthful.

This is especially important so that people know things you do with (or to) each other are consensual!

Your kids live with you

If you have (young) children in your home, it is often almost inevitable that they could hear something that you do behind closed doors. While I highly urge you to always lock your door when having sex, some practices are loud. Spanking, impact play, and even crying during a scene might eventually be heard by others.

In this case, it can be a good idea (but not a must!) to talk to your children about certain aspects so they understand that there is no danger or harm being done to one another. In this case, be extra careful to make it age-appropriate!

There are obvious markings at inconvenient places

We get it. Last night’s session was a bit rough and in the heat of the moment, you guys left some visible markings. A bruise, a scratch, maybe a burn marking from a rope, or really anything that is SUPER obvious.

Yes, you can simply play dumb or oblivious, but especially with bruises, you should be super careful! People are quick to assume domestic violence (which is good actually!) so it can be much better to be up-front with them.

You have obvious BDSM furniture / tools in your home

Look, if you have a St. Andrew’s cross in your living room, or leave your whips on the kitchen counter, people WILL notice. I once left a flogger on my desk on accident, and sure enough, when my family came to visit my mom noticed.

If you do decide to live out your BDSM lifestyle openly (which is great if you do!) be prepared to answer questions and explain it to others. Also, please give your family a warning before they come to visit!

Bad Reasons to Tell Your Family About BDSM

In many cases, you should leave BDSM and family separate from each other. Moreover, there are certain reasons or times when you absolutely should not tell them about it:

To get attention

Telling your family about BDSM or your kinky lifestyle to get attention is a REALLY bad reason to do so. Not only will they be super weirded out, but it’s very inconsiderate to tell others about your sex life if they didn’t even want to know.

Because you think they should support it

Accepting, respecting, and supporting something are three very distinct things.

Your family can be very accepting and even respectful toward your lifestyle and life choices, but that doesn’t mean they need to support it. The best you can hope for is that they acknowledge it but please…never try to persuade them into supporting your lifestyle!

Under pressure

Your sexuality and private life is exactly that: Private!

If you don’t want to tell anyone, that’s completely reasonable and okay. Nobody can force you to tell them and there are many many kinky folks out there who never tell anyone in their family or even their friends.

How to tell your family about your kinky lifestyle

When telling your family about your BDSM lifestyle, be gentle and considerate, and avoid explicit descriptions and slang words. Only include what’s absolutely necessary and avoid disclosing other people’s identities.

If you tell your family about your dark side, as I like to call it, keep out the nitty bitty details and explicit depictions. Those can be shared with your friends or kinky community and not your family. Avoid difficult terminology and abbreviations like CBT (cock and ball torture), CNC (consensual non-consent), or DDLG (Daddy Dom/Little Girl). This usually serves no purpose and confuses others.

Keep the identities of other kinksters and people in the BDSM scene private unless they have given you permission to tell others about them. This is especially true for people they might know like your close friends or even neighbors.

A word about telling kids

If you tell your kids about BDSM, make it age-appropriate and as top-level as possible. NEVER include any explicit descriptions!

For example, a friend of mine had a big bondage setup hanging from the ceiling in her apartment which was impossible to hide from her daughter. In fact, it was set up right in the living room. She made sure to tell her daughter early on that she enjoys being tied together and that mommy was safe at all times.

In another case, the couple was very much into impact place, SM, and spanking. They tried to keep it as quiet as possible but in their small city flat, this became very difficult after their kids grew older. Eventually, they heard their mom (the sub) cry during a scene despite closing the door and it being late at night.

They then needed to tell their kids that mom and dad still love each other and sometimes, when they like each other a lot, mom cries. Again, keep it age-appropriate. Older kids will handle it much better to know their parents have sex than younger ones.

Conclusion

Whether you debate about telling your kids, mother-in-law, dad, or grandparents, BDSM and family can be compatible. You have to be smart and sensitive with what and how you tell and never force this info on anyone. It’s completely okay to hide this part of your life from them, and you will know best whether to share this information or not.

If you have any questions or a story about your “coming out”, share it with us in the comments and let’s discuss!